When I was little, I remember reading a quote whereas it's saying, "You are reborn every seven years." It still haunts me since. I know it's silly to wait for seven whole years to be a new person, but I think it's a good period of time to dissect events and feelings, to fully comprehend who you really want to be, to determine the direction this new you are heading to, and to understand that maybe this is not about you.

2018 was surprising.

It's the year I took the leap of finally resigned out of the office that has been the only steady ground of mine for seven years only because it's no longer steady and I was wrong to use it as an escapade of my dull life. Yes once it was the only thing that would excite me to get out of bed. That once became a week, became a month, then became a year. And then someday it just stopped. Everything was getting overwhelming and too much. I don't feel like I learn and earn much. Although there was still some part of this heart that was unsure to let go of the stability, apparently the tiredness and weary in me won. I left that once cozy place which has turned into suffocating graveyard and never looked back.

Sounds crazy, I know. Not to mention the drama that followed.

But here I am, six months later. Feeling surer than I've ever been. With a new job that appreciates me, in a better mental and health state in a year, and overall feeling happier. Kinda bummed that I didn't do it sooner — only after that I hit the lowest point and I felt like I've wasted there.

I am happy to say that I am happy.

2018 was the year of realization.

That happiness shouldn't be a destination. It should be a bento box I carry everywhere while searching what's my true destination is. To take whenever I'm hungry and feel like I can't continue. As a source of strength whenever I am down and cannot go on anymore.

I discovered it's in different shapes and sizes.

But more importantly, it came to me in 18 forms. Altogether. A bundle. A bundle of joy, I might say.

Long story short, I became interested in music again and found myself became a fan of another (boy)band after a long while. They made me happy with their songs, their curious concept, their antics, even. TL;DR NCT has been my source of happiness and good vibes whenever the world feels rougher than usual. to them, I'm thankful and grateful.

(I could write an essay on how they came to me in my darkest moment but it's for another time)

The world still sucks. I still wanna die, sometimes. But they made it a bit comfortable. and happier. and lovelier. and I will go to their concert one day to properly thank them.

2018 was a bit neglectful.

My watchlist suffered the most because this new job can be so demanding the only thing I want to do once I got home is to set my body straight to sleep mode (it's better now. no worries!). I missed a few movies at the theatre and a bit bummed. But I also watched more foreign movies than ever before because I managed to go to some movie festivals. Netflix also came to be an option this year. I have been catching up on old anime titles I've been wanting to rewatch since eons ago with occasional stellar Netflix-produced movies. So I gained some, lost some.

I also neglect myself in a way that I attached my self worth to people who completely gave no fuck about me. I completely turned blind eye to the signs that I was nothing but a pathetic trash can for people to dump their problems on and leave. that I was nothing because people around me said I am nothing when I am everything I set myself to be.

I left them. I don't need that kind of people to be around with. I can't form a circle if they keep trying to break me apart inside.

2018 was the year to love me again.

After a long series of low self-esteem and slump, finally, I found my feet again. feeling worthwhile again. I feel like I deserve to love myself and take it slow or hard accordingly but not to anyone's comment and perspective. I feel okay. It's still a few stops to feel good, but I'm getting there.

I like it where I am now.

And I am excited where 2019 would take me.

I'm still alive (sadly).

I turned 29 last Friday. Looking back, I still stand by what I've said. My life has been okay despite the neverending turmoil. There were times I thought I'll never be able to make it through. But I did. There were times I thought that I'm going crazy due to everything. But then when I remember them, I chuckle. The struggle is indeed essential for living. I have been thinking a lot about the period between wanting, realizing, and having since last year. I began to realize that the process is just as sweet and rewarding as the result later. I think all of the frustrations and despairs and anger and confusions are also essential to thrive, bloom, and evolve. I hope this new age would make me welcome the grueling and prevailing process of becoming.

We find true contentment when we can embrace the fact
that life is a never-ending work in progress.
— Kelsey Clark.

So yeah, a little update. Things have been quiet on this blog since there is a lot on my plate right now. A combination of relentless rainy days, grandfather moved into our house, neverending adjustment, minor earthquake for three days straight, and staying sane above it all. It's been a pretty smooth transition, to say the least. Everything has been good, albeit not easy. But we thrive. My days are filled with mundane, boring routine (and cats, more cats) in which I am grateful for. One less thing to be frustrated on, no? And the blog has been taken quite a hit. I stopped updating monthly movie recap (please go to my letterboxd instead) because it feels too comfortable. I want to get back into the hang of writing usual monthly recap again. But alas, I failed on the first month already. I'm also behind on blog walking but I promise I'll get back to everyone real quick.

In the meantime, I hope you are well. And thank you for everything. Be back soon! 👌💓💋